im a terribly divisive person
all i really want is someone who's like me.
we can be divisive together
if that makes any sense

we can try to make sense of the world as we know it
because i'm not sure i can make it alone, you know?

the point of it all.

so girl meets boy. girl and boy grow close. girl and boy stop talking.
few years later, girl meets boy again. they reconnect. they grow close yet again, and it blossoms into what she's convinced is the best thing that's happened to her in a long while.
and for a brief length of time, it is.
but that all changes when boy brings another girl up, and this creates a worry that never leaves girl's mind.

eventually, the shit hits the fan and girl realizes this boy was not all that she had been hoping for, and that she should have thought a little more about being able to trust him before letting herself get so attached, that it was a bad idea to begin with, that for every sweet thing he said, there was an equivocally terrible word he would have no reservations throwing at her. at least that's how it felt.

when friends ask me whether something is worth pursuing or fixing, i ask this:
does the good outweigh the bad?

if the answer is yes, then by all means, pursue this. it could be worthwhile.
if the answer is no, then you need to get out of there.


by now the thing that aches the most is the regret that comes from wasting my time.
because being led on is never fun, and you don't tell somebody you love them just for the sake of the moment, because you think it's what she wants to hear. and you don't bring up somebody else from your past and expect her to take it.

next time a strapping young lad comes my way, perhaps we will see eye to eye a little more, and perhaps i will grow to trust him completely. but there will be no commitment prior to finding that trust. and i am in absolutely no hurry anyway.

because you see where it got me? wasted time, and a lot of crying.

you were so not worth it at all.


so here's to missing out on a great girl, man, because you totally did.

What I think I've always wanted (and needed)

I know it's unfair. I know it's selfish. But being cooped up in my bedroom, angst-ridden and mad as fuck, crying periodically for whatever reason (although today is the first time in a while, to be honest), has got me thinking about whatever it is I've always desired, and as it turns out this thing is more than just a want, it's a need. And as irrational as it may be, and as cliche as this will sound, I will write of it anyway. I don't feel like writing a disclaimer acknowledging my stupidity and selfishness for putting this out on the internet this time, because we all know it, and I need to say something. Because I don't think anyone's listening anyway.

What I think I've always wanted, it's just somebody who'd be there completely. Someone who would comfort me regardless of the night or circumstance, and call me out on my mistakes in a way that didn't berate me. Someone who wouldn't sway in the face of a storm. Reliable, honest, loyal, and most of all, steadfast.

I think to be steadfast has to be the most valuable trait I've never found in its entirety. It means to be unflinchingly present, even if it's not physically. A steadfast friend will never leave unless for their own good they feel forced to. And I would do my best not to push them away---and if they began to feel an unwelcome shove, I'd want more than anything for them to tell me.

But by the same token, if I'm crying over something I can't quite put a name to, or just need to be held without a word and I don't want to say why, then that person would be there.

I just need someone to tell me it's all going to be okay, even if they know I'm wrong.

I'd only give them the same.

DEATH OF A TELEMARKETER

First of all, I'd like to address that when your parents, teachers, and guidance counselors all told you that with a positive attitude, life could be peachy always, it was a blatant lie. It went like this:
I took up a job as a telemarketer on July 13th. About twelve cumulative hours later, I quit. Why, you might ask? Because it's telemarketing, you douche bag. And if you ever want your self esteem systematically punched in the lungs, then by all means, take up a job as a telemarketer. I've realized that spending four hours a day on the phone with people who probably (no, definitely) hate you was never, ever going to be worth the $7.15 earned hourly for doing so.
I just wanted to share this pearl of wisdom with you: telemarketing, no matter how uppity of an attitude you might be harboring, isn't peachy. Or at least it wasn't for me. And I felt the need to bark about it here. Thank you and good night.

I felt life and love and hope infest in my bones

So, life really does go on.

I quit my job.
I like someone and he likes me too (this fact, I think, makes everything brighter)
There's leftover Pizza Hut in the fridge downstairs.
I'm learning how to drive.
I have tons of old clothes to sell for some cash at The Attic sometime soon, so I'll be able to buy a nice summer dress and save the rest for future mini-investments here and there.


And frankly, there is little else I can really ask for right now.
I'm happy.

The Runaway

What makes you think I'm enjoyin' being led to the flood?
We got another thing comin' undone.
And it's takin' us over.

ready to go

These are times that can't be weathered and
we have never been back there since then