Grad parties and Imogen Heap.

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you.

Sheesh I love her.
Anyway. So lately i've been up to reading as much as my brain will handle, and i went to two grad parties this weekend. emily's was great fun. we had water fights and played rock band, talked about rubbers and music (perhaps not in the same conversation.)
on sunday, i went to the collective partay of jeremy, rob, sean, and jon. four kids i've known and loved from the moment i joined shakey's players. four kids i'll miss dearly, and hopefully, i'll see them again sometime soon, instead of leaving their memory to the past like college is supposed to do to your friendships from high school.
"so it goes," as vonnegut said.
well, that party wasn't as utterly bangin' (i can't believe i just used that terminology..) as i expected; maybe for nearly everyone else, but certainly not for me. perhaps it was just my mood. i was sort of reclusive and totally okay with being the party's unofficial dj.
there were at least, like, 8 couples there. the majority of the party attendees had girlfriends, or boyfriends. it was just, sort of surreal. and not in a good way. it's polarizing. it was most polarizing that night than i think it's ever been. i think its because i'm starting to realize that for now, at least at this point in my life, i'm not capable of maintaining a serious relationship.
every one of those kids had been dating their beloved for months, and months, and months. some, over a year. and i couldn't help but feel like this fly on the wall who just didn't belong there, although the party boys were friends of my own. i didn't let it get me down, though. i was comfortable. i didn't want to go home. i was out of the house, amongst fellow high schoolers, and it felt nice to just be somewhere.
i wonder how they do it: stick with someone for over a year in high school, of all times of your life. i crave adventure, and i crave life without too, too much of a comfort factor. i mean, of course i want to be comfortable. but i don't want to be bored. i like new-ness.
i find comfort in hanging out around the house, by my comfortable lonesome. so naturally, i need some sort of excitement in others.
maybe i'm not ready for becoming that stable half of a stable relationship. i'm way too volatile.
or, rather, i may not ever be ready. perhaps it's not a question of preparing, and growing, and getting ready for such a thing; maybe it's just the way i work.
settling down is so distant for me. it scares me.

ooooooohhhh thom yorke.