Dark blue.

I'm just, uh, blah. i have so much reading to do in this coming week to prepare for school, five essays, one for each book; i still need to get my school shopping done.. i can't go to the fair until wednesday, for fuck's sake.
this is so not the way i planned the end of my summer to be. i wanted to relax, just be able to nap, and go out with friends and read 'Lolita'.
not to sound completely whiny. although i understand that i am indeed whining, so i can't ask for much better than that.
oy vey.

i'm not you. i'll never be close to what you need.

You must think I'm still sixteen
I dropped out of high school for a reason
and I don't care if you're pretty
i'm not admitting you are right
my soul is not a stage
i wont pretend i'm anything i'm not
i know your secrets boy
i don't know where you are tonight
so this is tag, you're it
i stopped playing games when i was 5
stopped playing games when i
when i was five foot five
and my window screen keeps freezing
and the view is always pornographic


a lovely little excerpt from one of my favorite songs, "Still Sixteen" by Old Springs Pike, as they were formerly known (now they're the Spring Standards, fucking great all the same.) So I started a list of self improvements. I've decided there's nothing wrong with marking down a few things i want to work on, as long as it isn't a long list (that would be an indication there's something quite wrong, don't you agree?) and they're only things that i truly feel i want to, well, not fix, because i'm not broken, but just work on, for all the right reasons.
here's the list:
1. Don't be so obnoxious (all of the time. hey, i'm a naturally loud person once i knock the shell.)
2. Let others win sometimes. i don't have to be right all of the time. (i'm stubborn as balls.)
3. Don't be such a loudmouth. (sometimes leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding.)
4. Don't be rude. (i'm generally not a rude person, but sometimes, i can't help it. so from now on, i will.)

at any rate. i want to find a new place. both figuratively and literally speaking. i just want to be able to go in the complete opposite direction of where i've been. i need adventure.

the people i've met have taught me this, and i don't think they know it.

The conversation.

We were stuck in traffic, the air was black with a haze of orange from the car lights surrounding us.
I've noticed that i had next to no trouble just being myself around our friends from Japan. These were people we had essentially only known a few days, and yet meeting up with them was awesome. No awkward silences, no awkward moments. It was so easy to just speak our minds. Say all the things we needed to say. What we wanted to say.
It's really hard for me to approach people around here. i'm shy, i'm scared. As pathetic as that is.
But with these new people, there are no preconditions. they don't know me, and i don't know them. so there's a truly fresh slate to draw a real beginning. whenever that slate is questionable, i end up questioning myself.
emily and i talked about this for a while. we both seemed to agree that life deals out a pretty uneven platter at times. it almost seems to say, "Settle for less," when the people you know you'd be uber close to happen to live hours away.
then we decided, no, that's not what it's telling us. it's telling us to search.
an interesting thought, no?

Today was a good day.

Its nearly 3 a.m. today was a good day. i've been up for 20 hours, and i really should've gone to bed hours ago, but what can you expect from me? i'm tired as fuck and yet i still can't get myself to sleep because i'm too busy on here doing nothing, really.

still, today was a wonderful day. i hope to have more of these sort of days.

night.

Grad parties and Imogen Heap.

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you.

Sheesh I love her.
Anyway. So lately i've been up to reading as much as my brain will handle, and i went to two grad parties this weekend. emily's was great fun. we had water fights and played rock band, talked about rubbers and music (perhaps not in the same conversation.)
on sunday, i went to the collective partay of jeremy, rob, sean, and jon. four kids i've known and loved from the moment i joined shakey's players. four kids i'll miss dearly, and hopefully, i'll see them again sometime soon, instead of leaving their memory to the past like college is supposed to do to your friendships from high school.
"so it goes," as vonnegut said.
well, that party wasn't as utterly bangin' (i can't believe i just used that terminology..) as i expected; maybe for nearly everyone else, but certainly not for me. perhaps it was just my mood. i was sort of reclusive and totally okay with being the party's unofficial dj.
there were at least, like, 8 couples there. the majority of the party attendees had girlfriends, or boyfriends. it was just, sort of surreal. and not in a good way. it's polarizing. it was most polarizing that night than i think it's ever been. i think its because i'm starting to realize that for now, at least at this point in my life, i'm not capable of maintaining a serious relationship.
every one of those kids had been dating their beloved for months, and months, and months. some, over a year. and i couldn't help but feel like this fly on the wall who just didn't belong there, although the party boys were friends of my own. i didn't let it get me down, though. i was comfortable. i didn't want to go home. i was out of the house, amongst fellow high schoolers, and it felt nice to just be somewhere.
i wonder how they do it: stick with someone for over a year in high school, of all times of your life. i crave adventure, and i crave life without too, too much of a comfort factor. i mean, of course i want to be comfortable. but i don't want to be bored. i like new-ness.
i find comfort in hanging out around the house, by my comfortable lonesome. so naturally, i need some sort of excitement in others.
maybe i'm not ready for becoming that stable half of a stable relationship. i'm way too volatile.
or, rather, i may not ever be ready. perhaps it's not a question of preparing, and growing, and getting ready for such a thing; maybe it's just the way i work.
settling down is so distant for me. it scares me.

ooooooohhhh thom yorke.

Dell is a mindfuck, mix cds are therapeutic.

So I'm working on some mix cds for some friends, hating on Dell computers and listening to the weakerthans. looking for free flight of the conchords episodes online.

see ya.

I hate you so much.

This might have ruined my summer.
well at least you have your head on straight.