you know...

for a second there i almost felt like texting you, or calling. then i realized, 'wait, i have absolutely no desire to talk to this person.' feels pretty good knowing i don't need you anymore.

Disappointed.

i guess that's really the only word for how im feeling. i wish things could have worked out but we really don't make sense together. this is all for the better and at least it was mutual.

I'm a mess.

i'm a total and complete wreck inside sometimes, and it's just a whirlwind of the uncertainties that i can't help but find myself caught in and i just don't know what do say or think or do. all i do is mess up.
am i upset because it isn't what i want to hear? or am i upset because i know that there was nothing to say to begin with? i wish things could be easier. i feel nauseous. i want to sleep. i want to forget. i want to take a mental health day and just relax for once, instead of forcing myself to my very limits, in fact, past my limits.
i just can't take the emotional taxation all this shit takes from my energy and my good moods.
i need someone who'll be there regardless. i don't have that. and i probably won't find it.

I don't know

why I do certain things that I do, it's not even as if i wanted to do it, in the moment or in retrospect for that matter and i did it anyway. it's like i don't want to respect myself, it's like i don't know how. i guess i want to make other people happy more than i care to for myself and that's not a good thing. i want to say no, i want to be able to just turn the other cheek and say, "maybe another time," or "i'm not ready," but i never do, and i end up having regrets instead. is that any way to live? i can't keep up with this shit, and as much as i wish i could just start over i feel like i can't.
i don't want to lay there scolding myself for the mistakes i make over and over and over again.

I won't fuck us over, I'm Mr. November.

ashamed of myself, i sit here thinking of where to go next. i understand that there is only one answer and that is forward, as difficult as it is. i find myself blaming you for the problems i have now; this attention-seeking whore with her stupid fucking push up bra, i blame YOU for this. i've lived off of impulse. i never thought before i leaped. i want to say i hate you for it but i won't, because i can't. i don't blame you completely, because i am responsible for my actions. but did you make life any more productive for me? no. did you make life any easier? no. and now, with a repulsive reputation i find myself aching for some sort of closure so i can put that shit behind me and move on.
i wonder if you have regrets. i wonder if in the midst of your alcoholic haze you ever think of your kids. your son in college, your daughter in high school. your son getting good grades in college and your daughter with a lead role in the school play. your son caught underage drinking, your daughter with her demons, her issues, the problems you left with us. it runs in the family, you know.
but i can't hate you. i can dislike you, i can resent you for all you've done but i can't hate you and i can't not think about you because you're someone who once felt something and showed it. you're only human. i tell myself you're only human. i wonder if that's even the right thing to say.
thanks, though. for everything you've ever done (and denied) to us.

Obama

The racism radiating from the keyboards of ignorant ass folks on Myspace is pretty redonkulous, but it isn't my problem, because it's clearly theirs.

So here's something new!

Alright. so i told myself that i wouldn't do things the way that i have so many times. and i think i'm going to try as hard as i can to keep to that.
so a boy asked me out today. it was a huge surprise... i wasn't expecting it at all and to be honest i'm a complete commitmentphobe and i'm sort of scared but i really like him and that's why i'm going to give it a shot. he's sweet, and i get giddy around him and i am such a hypocrite for everything i'm saying here but at this moment, i mean every word.
i am nervous, but i'm happy. i feel really great sitting next to him while he plays piano in chorus class. it's the one class i really hate---the one class i swear is even lamer than math class, and that's saying something---and on friday, i found myself hurrying through the hallways trying to get there early. why? to see him. he makes me smile. i wish he was here so i could give him a huge hug. and we could cuddle. i like him. and he likes me (lord knows why, or how!!) . ooooh bo!