I guess that's the point of it all.

So. So. So. I am weak as fuck, I've decided. but i'm sort of... well... i don't want to say i'm doing anything about it because to be honest, do we ever really do anything about anything? well i guess in certain cases we do. but i'm a repeat offender. i make the same mistakes over and over and nowadays i can't even tell between success and complete failure.
i'm ashamed of myself.

and i've liked myself for a while now, but for some reason now i wonder whether that was even legit. like, whether it was really right to feel that way about myself. to be accepting. to embrace whatever i am. because i think i've got it all wrong.
but you know, after saying everything i'd been too scared to even slight mention, just letting it all out... i feel so much better.
sure, i'm a mess all over again. but somehow it's a more organized wreck.
i could say how certain i am about that, but tomorrow things might change.
i am the most fickle person i have ever met.
but i think i'll be okay.
sure, yeah. alright.

I'm being unfair and I know it.

Of course i'm jealous. I will be for a long, long time. And this isn't the first time i've felt this sort of anger over the same damn thing. she's lucky. they're all lucky. or maybe not. maybe they're just wasting their time. maybe you're no different in that respect. maybe you're worth missing. probably not. there was never much conversation. i wonder what it was that drew me closer to begin with.
whateverrrrs.

Before my head explodes.

I'm hungry, my throat is killing me, I have an essay to write and I feel way too sick to write said essay. and here is where i abandon traditional capitalization and the idea of conventions and mechanics and whatever the fuck
i'm listening to sigur ros but i can't listen to it truly because my ears are blocked and my head is about to spontaneously combust and i can't process any of the music in the air because, well, my ears are blocked and my head is about to.... yeah.
i have an itch and can't find it. i feel it on my face but it's not really there. i hate when that happens. i can't be satisfied.
i dont want to go to school tomorrow but at the same time i realize that this is only like, week three of school and i hate to miss school...
its 7 already and i swear that i can't find adequate time in the day to do everything i have to. i took a what, forty minute nap today? because i needed to recharge my batteries (i'm a robot and my engine is FAILING) and whatdoyaknow... i feel pressed for time. and for the record i tried starting this thing yesterday but i got as far as writing in the header with my name.
starting essays is always the hardest part. i think i'm getting at something but i'm not sure what.

well complaining as helped a little
i neeeeedddddd cough syrup
where is my mumsy! i am hungries and sickums

i'm calling, and one day all will know

OKAY GUYSES! i don't know why i'm addressing this to an audience, i mean, as far as i know, i don't have one of those. which makes me wonder, why do i have this blog anyway? well, in cyberspace, there are quillions of blogs, and i suppose i don't really need justification...
anyway.
SO! i'm overzealous (i realize this is probably one of the best words to describe me). musical auditions arent even until after drama is over this year and auditions for that haven't even started and i'm fuhreeking out about what lewis will choose as the production this year (he's the musical dude, for drama this year we're doing helen fucking keller; no offense to the lady but this is just getting a little ridiculous).... it may be batboy... or guys and dolls.... or thoroughly modern millie... or a number of other things that i would be VERY excited about!
on another noteeee
uhhh. well. say anything is kind of all i've been listening to. except right now i'm in a bright eyes mood. which doesnt reflect on an energetic or happy mood, surely.
night. i have homework to do.

wasting sundays

do i need to regress? do i need to go back to whatever it was that kept me merely comfortable? all in order to be happy? what do i need to do so i dont ruin this wonderful thing?
why is it so easy for me to do everything wrong?

i dont want to ruin this. this seems like its ending before it even started which is the most depressing fact

Maybe today.

I wonder if it's a lost cause, to let her know that I find it sort of weird that she's getting close to my ex boyfriend. I know the breakup was my fault---but it doesn't make me any more comfortable in the situation. It's lame, I know. but it still bothers me. it's the typical teenager inside of me speaking. i mentioned the situation to my mom, for some reason that's just beyond me, and she simply said, "if she's your friend, she'll stop." which is one sided, of course.
here are the other sides...
tell her how i feel, and tell her to stop; which is controlling her, right? which makes me a nazi bitch, and by default not a very good friend. it makes me this bitter girl; the person i do not want to be.
or, tell her how i feel, and just let it go. it'll still bother me, but i'm preserving our friendship, right? or does that just make me a pushover, like i always am when i feel something's a little awry with us?

decisions, decisions.
i think i will call her, because otherwise i know we won't talk at all.
and i'll just wing it

this was a waste of time...

Summer in Review, 2008 Edition!

Alright. So it looks as if it's finally here. Last day of my summer---it's almost as if I'm awaiting execution or something. Nah, not exactly. I told myself the second I finished writing my last essay---a reaction paper on a book I can't say I even opened---I'd get to writing this shindig. And I'll even use proper capitalization, maybe some exclamation marks; because, the truth is, I have to start waking up at 5:45 in the a.m. for the next 180some days, and I should let summer go out with a bang. Let's get started, bitchwhores.
This summer was full of firsts. I went to Japan, for one, which was certainly life changing, to be terribly cliche about it. I was exposed to a life of sin: alcohol, jazz, adultery, snuff films---wait, that's not how it went down... Well, I did drink for the first time, at least. I did indeed fall asleep in the corner of my hotel room under the influence of Xanax (only slightly!) reading a Japanese softcore girlie mag. I hung out with a very drunk Frengel at 3 a.m., and proceeded to walk barefoot on the sidewalk, feeling the warm Tokyo rain fall to my skin from the night sky. I was nearly mauled by a very inebriated---"I'm not drunk!"--- 25 year old Aflac salesman. I used a public bath---you know it, completely naked in front of complete strangers and not giving an American damn about it. I sang karaoke in rented rooms and even a tour bus. I visited epic (and I mean EPIC) Japanese department stores with beautiful things around every corner. I tried broiled eel, snail, fish eggs, and raw squid. I navigated Japanese cities sans adult supervision. The memories could go on for miles. Fuck, at some point I was even flashed by a hermaphrodite. And I don't regret one single thing.
I came home from this fantastic oddysey with a few things on my mind: how the hell did I feel the way that I did, and where can I find it yet again? My sleep schedule died on me, so for a week, I stayed up late, slept in later.
I ended the longest relationship to date that I've ever had, and with some time grew stronger. I watched Cannibal Holocaust and made the decision that I shan't ever do that again. Impressed some folks with my wit (my humility is deafening!). Got a CAT scan after Warped Tour due to an accidental small kick to the head. I wore a short dress in public and felt confident about it. I kissed a girl and I liked it. I did a Noel Gallagher impersonation (okay, a few). I went to the gym for like, a month, and my bum is a little perkier nowadays. I drove once, and didn't kill myself, or anybody else in the process (came close, but let's stick to the point, guys!). I remained friends with the great, great, great people I grew close to in Asia. I finished my scrapbook documenting what has been the greatest week of my life. You know what that means? That means I finished SOMETHING. Which is a mighty ginormous deal for a girl like me.
I didn't die. I mean, that's a good development.
I met someone pretty damn cool. Actually, I met a few of those. And thanks to one certain person, I've noticed that for the first time since that grand week two months and a few thousand miles away, I finally feel like I'm okay with making mistakes again. "Throw caution to the wind." Take a risk. I think they call it living.

I couldn't have asked for a better summer. I couldn't have asked for a better time for everything to just fall into place the way that it has. Surely, all is flawed, but I am prepared to accept that fact, because for now, there are conversations to be had, dirty jokes to be made, terms to be coined, snogging to be done, a few tears to cry, and quillions of laughs to be shared. Summer 2008: I miss you, but I'm ready for what these weekends have to offer me until your friend ohnein takes a vacation around here.