I called on Jesus but he didn't check his phone today.

So, i find myself trying to relax, because i should be excited about tomorrow, right? i'm supposed to be looking forward to this grand day, and do not get me wrong, as i've been SO excited lately, but thanks to my mother it's so absurdly difficult to enjoy anything at all and just feel good about anything.
not only is she the most judgmental person i think i've ever known ("So, how DOES he pay for an apartment and a car and food with a job at Wendy's?") she's also the most selfish and manipulative, by far. my brother will agree.
the second i feel as if things are going to be different in a beautiful way she has to stand in the way of it. she's great at that.
she expects me to fuck up; she expects me to end up pregnant in this dead end town because that's just where my great judgment will get me, right? even though she "knows" i will make the right decisions in other areas of my life, when it concerns sex, it seems as though she thinks my body is going to completely take over and decide for me. and i know the biology of it. i know that the physicality matters but when you're mature about it, then deciding against what your body wants isn't like being under the influence of some powerful drug; if you're an idiot about it, or just reaaaallllyyy unlucky, you'll end up pregnant, or with some disease. but if you're mature about it and educated about it (and fuck, i've been Googling EVERYTHING since i first had my hands on a computer), that won't be the case.
because that's not who i am, that's not what i'm going to be. she needs to understand that. she tells me i have a brain, and that i use it, but then goes on to contradict that. constantly.
she tells me i'm mature, and that i need to be treated like an adult. but she treats me like a child.
i understand it's some stupid mother complex, the whole "uber protection" deal, but i swear, if this is what being a mother means, then please, shame on me if i ever give birth and treat any poor kid like that.
it's like an unwritten law that every parent forgets what it was like to be a teenager.
they tell us that when you hit thirty, you have everything figured out: you're ready to have a family, hold a good job, buy a house---all the things that actually matter, right? you're totally capable of saying no to sex, drugs, alcohol, and rock and roll, and you always use that strength because you're 30 and officially smart, right?
tell me how many sane, happy, and perfect 30-somethings YOU know?
maybe if they invited a little youth into their lives, perhaps some understanding and fulfillment would come into play. but once you hit thirty you become exceptionally good at this thing called "denial". every parent's got it. it's like a motherfucking virtue.

if you know your teenager is working with the maturity of a 6 year old, then by all means, treat them as such, but if your seventeen year old girl actually has a good head on her shoulders and keeps away from trouble, then please, do not treat her like a degenerate because she IS NOT ONE. and when it comes to the friends she hangs out with, until they give you a reason to think otherwise, it's best not to assume they're disrespectful sleazes.


it's about respect, and empathy, and understanding, and communication.
four things most people, young or old, don't have.
but should definitely check out.

oh, ageism.

It's over.

Can't bring myself to really understand that my rehearsals and performances of The Miracle Worker have come to a final end. I don't want to write about it tonight. I will when it hits me.
I'm going to write a letter to Parsons. She can't leave without hearing one more thing from me.


Strike that, I wrote a letter to Parsons. Damn, things feel so far away.

you know...

for a second there i almost felt like texting you, or calling. then i realized, 'wait, i have absolutely no desire to talk to this person.' feels pretty good knowing i don't need you anymore.

Disappointed.

i guess that's really the only word for how im feeling. i wish things could have worked out but we really don't make sense together. this is all for the better and at least it was mutual.

I'm a mess.

i'm a total and complete wreck inside sometimes, and it's just a whirlwind of the uncertainties that i can't help but find myself caught in and i just don't know what do say or think or do. all i do is mess up.
am i upset because it isn't what i want to hear? or am i upset because i know that there was nothing to say to begin with? i wish things could be easier. i feel nauseous. i want to sleep. i want to forget. i want to take a mental health day and just relax for once, instead of forcing myself to my very limits, in fact, past my limits.
i just can't take the emotional taxation all this shit takes from my energy and my good moods.
i need someone who'll be there regardless. i don't have that. and i probably won't find it.

I don't know

why I do certain things that I do, it's not even as if i wanted to do it, in the moment or in retrospect for that matter and i did it anyway. it's like i don't want to respect myself, it's like i don't know how. i guess i want to make other people happy more than i care to for myself and that's not a good thing. i want to say no, i want to be able to just turn the other cheek and say, "maybe another time," or "i'm not ready," but i never do, and i end up having regrets instead. is that any way to live? i can't keep up with this shit, and as much as i wish i could just start over i feel like i can't.
i don't want to lay there scolding myself for the mistakes i make over and over and over again.

I won't fuck us over, I'm Mr. November.

ashamed of myself, i sit here thinking of where to go next. i understand that there is only one answer and that is forward, as difficult as it is. i find myself blaming you for the problems i have now; this attention-seeking whore with her stupid fucking push up bra, i blame YOU for this. i've lived off of impulse. i never thought before i leaped. i want to say i hate you for it but i won't, because i can't. i don't blame you completely, because i am responsible for my actions. but did you make life any more productive for me? no. did you make life any easier? no. and now, with a repulsive reputation i find myself aching for some sort of closure so i can put that shit behind me and move on.
i wonder if you have regrets. i wonder if in the midst of your alcoholic haze you ever think of your kids. your son in college, your daughter in high school. your son getting good grades in college and your daughter with a lead role in the school play. your son caught underage drinking, your daughter with her demons, her issues, the problems you left with us. it runs in the family, you know.
but i can't hate you. i can dislike you, i can resent you for all you've done but i can't hate you and i can't not think about you because you're someone who once felt something and showed it. you're only human. i tell myself you're only human. i wonder if that's even the right thing to say.
thanks, though. for everything you've ever done (and denied) to us.

Obama

The racism radiating from the keyboards of ignorant ass folks on Myspace is pretty redonkulous, but it isn't my problem, because it's clearly theirs.

So here's something new!

Alright. so i told myself that i wouldn't do things the way that i have so many times. and i think i'm going to try as hard as i can to keep to that.
so a boy asked me out today. it was a huge surprise... i wasn't expecting it at all and to be honest i'm a complete commitmentphobe and i'm sort of scared but i really like him and that's why i'm going to give it a shot. he's sweet, and i get giddy around him and i am such a hypocrite for everything i'm saying here but at this moment, i mean every word.
i am nervous, but i'm happy. i feel really great sitting next to him while he plays piano in chorus class. it's the one class i really hate---the one class i swear is even lamer than math class, and that's saying something---and on friday, i found myself hurrying through the hallways trying to get there early. why? to see him. he makes me smile. i wish he was here so i could give him a huge hug. and we could cuddle. i like him. and he likes me (lord knows why, or how!!) . ooooh bo!

Halloweeeen

my favorite holiday of all and im spending it alone. no plans. everyone's busy and i got invited nowhere... so yeah. im considering just going to bed.
i feel so pathetic, im dressed up like a pirate right now, i was thinking my friend might come over but she's busy so that was a negative. so im gonna change out of this stupid outfit because no one's gonna see it anyway.


night.

All the words in my mouth

so.... i'm naive, and probably making a mistake, but i'm trying to do things a little differently!
the end!

So. Wow.

Let's talk about things i've done that i'm going to regret to a ridiculously great extent by like, this afternoon. i'll keep the situation ambiguous but yeah, this is weird. i need to get myself some more common sense.
well let's look at the bright side: at least there's no attachment there. none gained (i hope. i know i haven't.) and none lost (none to begin with, right? we can only hope!).
i'm going to the mall today with my mom. i'm hoping to get my book, 'american psycho' today.
i'm tired. i want to sleep. and pretend like last evening didn't turn out the way that it actually did.
that must be a new record, i regret it by 9:34 a.m. the next morning. i had given myself a few more hours until i'd see the gravity of how stupid i was. well at least my reaction time is improving...
this is lametastic.
see ya.

This modern love breaks me. This modern love wastes me.

this song's just great. pretty much sums me up in a nutshell when it concerns those romantic matters and whatnot. so... here's where life has brought me lately:
i can't go into extreme detail. but life can be very great. i will say that.
life can also be a flaming pot of shit, but that's okay because i've got to take the wonderful days with a pinch of salt, right? i think that's the expression. i could be completely wrong about that. ho hum.
this week is spirit week; something i'm both happy and rather disappointed about. you see, spirit week is good fun. but they cut Halloween day out of the picture, which broke my heart in half, considering Halloween is my favorite holiday. Oh how I do love it! but the establishment sort of said no to that love of mine so i feel the need to mope and scoff.
today was farmer day, and i actually dressed up for it. it was fun-ish. but i am sorry for the deer who jumped into Mr. P's room, for whatever reason it decided to do so...
hm, what else...? homecoming is friday. i think i might have mentioned that. in my journal, perhaps. i am excited for that. and tomorrow is era day, for which i will be going all out, dressing in 40's garb, hoping not to ruin my beautiful vintage dress i bought three years ago at WW2 Weekend. that lovely off white frock has been hanging in my closet for close to three years. i've never worn it because i've never had the opportunity to. so tomorrow's my chance and if i dump something on it, at least i will have looked nice for one day.
i am all over the place.
i will write another time. for now, my communication is limited because my mother holds quite the grudge and demands i leave my laptop and phone downstairs with her by ten each day. lame to the twelfth degree.
night.

This was a great weekend.

Hands down, great weekend. i'm happy i was able to spend it with such awesome people. corn mazin' it up, and, uhm, strategizing. it was just a good time, all in all. looking forward to days that might even top this one. maria, robby, chris... you guys are grand. and harry and eric are pretty spiffy as well. can't deny that fact.
anyway. my stomach is a little woozy and i am tired as all hell. i just finished my homework, and tomorrow's farmer day at school, which i will actually be partaking in, ha. plaid top and freckles drawn on my face. i don't know why freckles are associated with farmers but they are, i guess. so hopefully that isn't too poopy.
hm, what else? well. my mother is quite mad at me. but let's not think about that. things like that are unimportant. happiness is key. happiness is important to me, and dwelling on things that shouldn't or should have been said is unhealthy. it'll get me absolutely nowhere. if i stand here dwelling, i will be standing in the same exact place a week from now. and who'd want that?
homecoming dance is on friday. i am excited :) i have a date. just a friend. he seems pretty excited for it, and i must say i am looking forward to it very much. this week is spirit week so i imagine it will go by faster than usual. but drama goes on until like, seven this week :( which is tiring, but i asked for this, so i will dedicate myself 100%.
samara called, by the way. it was really wonderful. it was nice to hear her voice. to know that she cares.

good night, guys. once my mother kidnaps my communication equipment, i'll be forced to entertain myself. shouldn't be that hard, though, just because i do feel like writing today. and lying in my bed listening to some beautiful music. who knows? i might actually get to bed at a decent hour. i think i will.

well, good night.

This modern love.

I'm just going with it. whatever. i am incapable of the typical bullshit anyway, so i'll have a brand of my own i guess

sincerely.

Signal the depressing ass music, because this is where i go back for a moment to the land of the rising sun. to be honest, i'm still not sure whether i took my heart with me on the plane, because i feel as if something has been missing since i've come home. something in me was different when i arrived at the philly airport that night, and i came to expect that a night like this would come where that feeling wouldn't sit well enough with me for me to not talk about it. i have to say something, so i figured i'd write about it. few people would care enough to hear my rants on how much i miss japan. emily, i think, or eddy wouldn't mind, but they're not here with me. but i wish they were, dearly, dearly, dearly.
flipping through my scrapbook i realize that there are conversations that have probably left my memory since summer; conversations i now wish i could be reminded of. i want someone to call me up and be like, 'sasha, do you remember when...?' what a sweet thing that would be. they'd be doing me a huge favor. and they wouldn't even know it.
there's something unforgettable about leaving home, and living and breathing and walking and existing thousands of miles away in an unknown world. a world that became familiar as the days progressed. as we inched closer to that day where we knew we'd say goodbye. i don't know how many others feel the way i have. i think about that trip nearly every day, and i dread the day that the descriptions of japan i give grow vague because i just can't recall the details.
then again, that's life. we forget things. and the cycle continues. world keeps turning, even if we don't want it to. and what a sad thought that is.
it's a beautiful place that i know i'll see again one day; with its culture and its people, the countryside, the city lights, the karaoke rooms, the 7/11s and warm rain beneath my bare feet on the sidewalk. the air on my skin. the heartache it brings being so far from all of it...
one day, though. nine days of my life, passed far too quickly, but one day.
because not returning just isn't an option.

I'm tired and I talk too much.

I'm so fickle! and indecisive. and goddamn, i get attached so easily. unattached just as easily, sometimes. never comes pleasantly, though, i will admit that, also.
so, what have i done with this weekend.... i haven't been terribly productive, that's for sure. i guess catching up on much needed sleep, for one. on school days i now refuse to go to bed past 11, unless something marvelous happens that i must stay up to see or experience but that kind of stuff is scarce around these parts, so 11 for me :) i'm trying to be less of a procrastinator as well. making sure i get my stuff done early, instead of right before bedtime. drama keeps me at school until 6, 6:30 nowadays, and it'll get to be later and later next week. i need to stay ahead of things.
homecoming dance is coming up in, i think, two weeks, is it? i am quite dateless. it's okay, though. i hope someone asks me, or a situation comes up where i'll feel confident enough to ask someone myself. i guess i'll figure all that shit out when the time comes.
for now i need to learn a song for Spookfest, that JP wants me to sing with him.
hopefully ryan is learning his part for our set... without guitar, the entire thing goes to shit and frankly i'm pretty scared as to whether we'll even be ready at all.

I guess that's the point of it all.

So. So. So. I am weak as fuck, I've decided. but i'm sort of... well... i don't want to say i'm doing anything about it because to be honest, do we ever really do anything about anything? well i guess in certain cases we do. but i'm a repeat offender. i make the same mistakes over and over and nowadays i can't even tell between success and complete failure.
i'm ashamed of myself.

and i've liked myself for a while now, but for some reason now i wonder whether that was even legit. like, whether it was really right to feel that way about myself. to be accepting. to embrace whatever i am. because i think i've got it all wrong.
but you know, after saying everything i'd been too scared to even slight mention, just letting it all out... i feel so much better.
sure, i'm a mess all over again. but somehow it's a more organized wreck.
i could say how certain i am about that, but tomorrow things might change.
i am the most fickle person i have ever met.
but i think i'll be okay.
sure, yeah. alright.

I'm being unfair and I know it.

Of course i'm jealous. I will be for a long, long time. And this isn't the first time i've felt this sort of anger over the same damn thing. she's lucky. they're all lucky. or maybe not. maybe they're just wasting their time. maybe you're no different in that respect. maybe you're worth missing. probably not. there was never much conversation. i wonder what it was that drew me closer to begin with.
whateverrrrs.

Before my head explodes.

I'm hungry, my throat is killing me, I have an essay to write and I feel way too sick to write said essay. and here is where i abandon traditional capitalization and the idea of conventions and mechanics and whatever the fuck
i'm listening to sigur ros but i can't listen to it truly because my ears are blocked and my head is about to spontaneously combust and i can't process any of the music in the air because, well, my ears are blocked and my head is about to.... yeah.
i have an itch and can't find it. i feel it on my face but it's not really there. i hate when that happens. i can't be satisfied.
i dont want to go to school tomorrow but at the same time i realize that this is only like, week three of school and i hate to miss school...
its 7 already and i swear that i can't find adequate time in the day to do everything i have to. i took a what, forty minute nap today? because i needed to recharge my batteries (i'm a robot and my engine is FAILING) and whatdoyaknow... i feel pressed for time. and for the record i tried starting this thing yesterday but i got as far as writing in the header with my name.
starting essays is always the hardest part. i think i'm getting at something but i'm not sure what.

well complaining as helped a little
i neeeeedddddd cough syrup
where is my mumsy! i am hungries and sickums

i'm calling, and one day all will know

OKAY GUYSES! i don't know why i'm addressing this to an audience, i mean, as far as i know, i don't have one of those. which makes me wonder, why do i have this blog anyway? well, in cyberspace, there are quillions of blogs, and i suppose i don't really need justification...
anyway.
SO! i'm overzealous (i realize this is probably one of the best words to describe me). musical auditions arent even until after drama is over this year and auditions for that haven't even started and i'm fuhreeking out about what lewis will choose as the production this year (he's the musical dude, for drama this year we're doing helen fucking keller; no offense to the lady but this is just getting a little ridiculous).... it may be batboy... or guys and dolls.... or thoroughly modern millie... or a number of other things that i would be VERY excited about!
on another noteeee
uhhh. well. say anything is kind of all i've been listening to. except right now i'm in a bright eyes mood. which doesnt reflect on an energetic or happy mood, surely.
night. i have homework to do.

wasting sundays

do i need to regress? do i need to go back to whatever it was that kept me merely comfortable? all in order to be happy? what do i need to do so i dont ruin this wonderful thing?
why is it so easy for me to do everything wrong?

i dont want to ruin this. this seems like its ending before it even started which is the most depressing fact

Maybe today.

I wonder if it's a lost cause, to let her know that I find it sort of weird that she's getting close to my ex boyfriend. I know the breakup was my fault---but it doesn't make me any more comfortable in the situation. It's lame, I know. but it still bothers me. it's the typical teenager inside of me speaking. i mentioned the situation to my mom, for some reason that's just beyond me, and she simply said, "if she's your friend, she'll stop." which is one sided, of course.
here are the other sides...
tell her how i feel, and tell her to stop; which is controlling her, right? which makes me a nazi bitch, and by default not a very good friend. it makes me this bitter girl; the person i do not want to be.
or, tell her how i feel, and just let it go. it'll still bother me, but i'm preserving our friendship, right? or does that just make me a pushover, like i always am when i feel something's a little awry with us?

decisions, decisions.
i think i will call her, because otherwise i know we won't talk at all.
and i'll just wing it

this was a waste of time...

Summer in Review, 2008 Edition!

Alright. So it looks as if it's finally here. Last day of my summer---it's almost as if I'm awaiting execution or something. Nah, not exactly. I told myself the second I finished writing my last essay---a reaction paper on a book I can't say I even opened---I'd get to writing this shindig. And I'll even use proper capitalization, maybe some exclamation marks; because, the truth is, I have to start waking up at 5:45 in the a.m. for the next 180some days, and I should let summer go out with a bang. Let's get started, bitchwhores.
This summer was full of firsts. I went to Japan, for one, which was certainly life changing, to be terribly cliche about it. I was exposed to a life of sin: alcohol, jazz, adultery, snuff films---wait, that's not how it went down... Well, I did drink for the first time, at least. I did indeed fall asleep in the corner of my hotel room under the influence of Xanax (only slightly!) reading a Japanese softcore girlie mag. I hung out with a very drunk Frengel at 3 a.m., and proceeded to walk barefoot on the sidewalk, feeling the warm Tokyo rain fall to my skin from the night sky. I was nearly mauled by a very inebriated---"I'm not drunk!"--- 25 year old Aflac salesman. I used a public bath---you know it, completely naked in front of complete strangers and not giving an American damn about it. I sang karaoke in rented rooms and even a tour bus. I visited epic (and I mean EPIC) Japanese department stores with beautiful things around every corner. I tried broiled eel, snail, fish eggs, and raw squid. I navigated Japanese cities sans adult supervision. The memories could go on for miles. Fuck, at some point I was even flashed by a hermaphrodite. And I don't regret one single thing.
I came home from this fantastic oddysey with a few things on my mind: how the hell did I feel the way that I did, and where can I find it yet again? My sleep schedule died on me, so for a week, I stayed up late, slept in later.
I ended the longest relationship to date that I've ever had, and with some time grew stronger. I watched Cannibal Holocaust and made the decision that I shan't ever do that again. Impressed some folks with my wit (my humility is deafening!). Got a CAT scan after Warped Tour due to an accidental small kick to the head. I wore a short dress in public and felt confident about it. I kissed a girl and I liked it. I did a Noel Gallagher impersonation (okay, a few). I went to the gym for like, a month, and my bum is a little perkier nowadays. I drove once, and didn't kill myself, or anybody else in the process (came close, but let's stick to the point, guys!). I remained friends with the great, great, great people I grew close to in Asia. I finished my scrapbook documenting what has been the greatest week of my life. You know what that means? That means I finished SOMETHING. Which is a mighty ginormous deal for a girl like me.
I didn't die. I mean, that's a good development.
I met someone pretty damn cool. Actually, I met a few of those. And thanks to one certain person, I've noticed that for the first time since that grand week two months and a few thousand miles away, I finally feel like I'm okay with making mistakes again. "Throw caution to the wind." Take a risk. I think they call it living.

I couldn't have asked for a better summer. I couldn't have asked for a better time for everything to just fall into place the way that it has. Surely, all is flawed, but I am prepared to accept that fact, because for now, there are conversations to be had, dirty jokes to be made, terms to be coined, snogging to be done, a few tears to cry, and quillions of laughs to be shared. Summer 2008: I miss you, but I'm ready for what these weekends have to offer me until your friend ohnein takes a vacation around here.

Dark blue.

I'm just, uh, blah. i have so much reading to do in this coming week to prepare for school, five essays, one for each book; i still need to get my school shopping done.. i can't go to the fair until wednesday, for fuck's sake.
this is so not the way i planned the end of my summer to be. i wanted to relax, just be able to nap, and go out with friends and read 'Lolita'.
not to sound completely whiny. although i understand that i am indeed whining, so i can't ask for much better than that.
oy vey.

i'm not you. i'll never be close to what you need.

You must think I'm still sixteen
I dropped out of high school for a reason
and I don't care if you're pretty
i'm not admitting you are right
my soul is not a stage
i wont pretend i'm anything i'm not
i know your secrets boy
i don't know where you are tonight
so this is tag, you're it
i stopped playing games when i was 5
stopped playing games when i
when i was five foot five
and my window screen keeps freezing
and the view is always pornographic


a lovely little excerpt from one of my favorite songs, "Still Sixteen" by Old Springs Pike, as they were formerly known (now they're the Spring Standards, fucking great all the same.) So I started a list of self improvements. I've decided there's nothing wrong with marking down a few things i want to work on, as long as it isn't a long list (that would be an indication there's something quite wrong, don't you agree?) and they're only things that i truly feel i want to, well, not fix, because i'm not broken, but just work on, for all the right reasons.
here's the list:
1. Don't be so obnoxious (all of the time. hey, i'm a naturally loud person once i knock the shell.)
2. Let others win sometimes. i don't have to be right all of the time. (i'm stubborn as balls.)
3. Don't be such a loudmouth. (sometimes leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding.)
4. Don't be rude. (i'm generally not a rude person, but sometimes, i can't help it. so from now on, i will.)

at any rate. i want to find a new place. both figuratively and literally speaking. i just want to be able to go in the complete opposite direction of where i've been. i need adventure.

the people i've met have taught me this, and i don't think they know it.

The conversation.

We were stuck in traffic, the air was black with a haze of orange from the car lights surrounding us.
I've noticed that i had next to no trouble just being myself around our friends from Japan. These were people we had essentially only known a few days, and yet meeting up with them was awesome. No awkward silences, no awkward moments. It was so easy to just speak our minds. Say all the things we needed to say. What we wanted to say.
It's really hard for me to approach people around here. i'm shy, i'm scared. As pathetic as that is.
But with these new people, there are no preconditions. they don't know me, and i don't know them. so there's a truly fresh slate to draw a real beginning. whenever that slate is questionable, i end up questioning myself.
emily and i talked about this for a while. we both seemed to agree that life deals out a pretty uneven platter at times. it almost seems to say, "Settle for less," when the people you know you'd be uber close to happen to live hours away.
then we decided, no, that's not what it's telling us. it's telling us to search.
an interesting thought, no?

Today was a good day.

Its nearly 3 a.m. today was a good day. i've been up for 20 hours, and i really should've gone to bed hours ago, but what can you expect from me? i'm tired as fuck and yet i still can't get myself to sleep because i'm too busy on here doing nothing, really.

still, today was a wonderful day. i hope to have more of these sort of days.

night.

Grad parties and Imogen Heap.

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you.

Sheesh I love her.
Anyway. So lately i've been up to reading as much as my brain will handle, and i went to two grad parties this weekend. emily's was great fun. we had water fights and played rock band, talked about rubbers and music (perhaps not in the same conversation.)
on sunday, i went to the collective partay of jeremy, rob, sean, and jon. four kids i've known and loved from the moment i joined shakey's players. four kids i'll miss dearly, and hopefully, i'll see them again sometime soon, instead of leaving their memory to the past like college is supposed to do to your friendships from high school.
"so it goes," as vonnegut said.
well, that party wasn't as utterly bangin' (i can't believe i just used that terminology..) as i expected; maybe for nearly everyone else, but certainly not for me. perhaps it was just my mood. i was sort of reclusive and totally okay with being the party's unofficial dj.
there were at least, like, 8 couples there. the majority of the party attendees had girlfriends, or boyfriends. it was just, sort of surreal. and not in a good way. it's polarizing. it was most polarizing that night than i think it's ever been. i think its because i'm starting to realize that for now, at least at this point in my life, i'm not capable of maintaining a serious relationship.
every one of those kids had been dating their beloved for months, and months, and months. some, over a year. and i couldn't help but feel like this fly on the wall who just didn't belong there, although the party boys were friends of my own. i didn't let it get me down, though. i was comfortable. i didn't want to go home. i was out of the house, amongst fellow high schoolers, and it felt nice to just be somewhere.
i wonder how they do it: stick with someone for over a year in high school, of all times of your life. i crave adventure, and i crave life without too, too much of a comfort factor. i mean, of course i want to be comfortable. but i don't want to be bored. i like new-ness.
i find comfort in hanging out around the house, by my comfortable lonesome. so naturally, i need some sort of excitement in others.
maybe i'm not ready for becoming that stable half of a stable relationship. i'm way too volatile.
or, rather, i may not ever be ready. perhaps it's not a question of preparing, and growing, and getting ready for such a thing; maybe it's just the way i work.
settling down is so distant for me. it scares me.

ooooooohhhh thom yorke.

Dell is a mindfuck, mix cds are therapeutic.

So I'm working on some mix cds for some friends, hating on Dell computers and listening to the weakerthans. looking for free flight of the conchords episodes online.

see ya.

I hate you so much.

This might have ruined my summer.
well at least you have your head on straight.

FUCKKK

So this is going to be really depressing. well, at least i think, theoretically, it would be, considering the subject matter. it's undeniably emo and if you hate that stuff, you should really stop reading. i just want to write this someplace, and it's not for pity value. in fact, id write this in my journal but im too lazy to pick up a pen.
so i've realized i have terrible self esteem. i let people get me down constantly. i tell myself i dont care what people think; and to a degree, that's true, but basically it's only true when it comes down to the way i look---i think i try to compensate for my shitty attitude about life in my appearance; i want to dress nice because i like clothes and want people to like me, and think i look nice too. i know this is just a long, run on sentence with no meaning, but i need to get this bullshit out, even if i suck at constructing sentences with substance in the meanwhile.
take me at face value: what do you see? i'm dying to know. i wonder if i have some sort of issue. or if this is all typical teen angst---it probably is. no one at this age, by definition, is supposed to know who they are or what they stand for. we think we do. but we have no fucking clue.
i don't know if this is the PMS talking or what.
i am one fucking confused person. i want to make friends. i want to learn how to play guitar (my stepdad has been so tired lately from work there's no time, and i dont want to bother him). i don't want to be told "why can't you be NORMAL?"
that fucking word, 'normal'. it bothers me. it irks me. to be typical. to fit into some plastic mold that would probably melt in the microwave anyway. i don't know why i'd ever want to fit in. but i find myself wanting to. i drank for the first time, mostly for me, mostly for the experience. but i thought, maybe i would feel a little more normal in doing so---wouldn't i just be like any other kid?
i know what you're thinking: "who the fuck is this over emotional, flip flop?"
well you're the person who should've stopped reading, like, 5 paragraphs ago.
told you so.
i expected that this blog would come off as lame. and that's because it is. because it's me ranting about shit most people i guess would rather just brush off and ignore. but i can't. i want to be confident about something more than just the way i look. i mean, come on, i played the blonde bombshell in the school musical---and i felt SO GREAT onstage. why can't i have that same self esteem every day? well... it's not that i cant. its that i'm not letting it out. and i should. i need to. i need to love myself.
but i wont be caught dead with a self help book. fuck that.
i'll do my best.

Turning over a new leaf!

Time to stop being the good ol' procrastinator named sasha.
time to start being the good, er, new, action-ator named sasha.
i'm sick of complaining about not being able to play guitar. so i'll learn how.
i'm sick of complaining about not being hit with inspiration. so i'll seek it.
i'm sick of being a slave to the interweb. so i'll smack it in the face and do something productive.

i've got too much creativity just aching to be cultivated to just let it sit and rot away.
so i'm off.

Warped Tour.

So i technically have a free ticket somewhere in the works, supposedly, but the guy could just flake out on mailing it. or maybe he doesn't have any stamps! i worry too much, ha. i just want to go so badly, and i will go, one way or another. so the music isn't the greatest in the world, and it isn't typically what i'd listen to, but i go for the entire vibe of warped tour: this crazy community of kids coming together (whoa, that's some alliteration!) and throwing each other around (oh how i love ze crowd surfing, my welfare left at the will of complete strangers!). i dig that shit.
and there are a few bands i am certainly looking to see, of course, although a lot of the bands playing sound the same. say anything, anberlin, katy perry, horrorpops, some other shiznit.
it's a fun ass day and i can't effing wait. it's going to rock.

It's not a disclaimer.

I've been listening to all sorts of things today: music, people, barking.
And i've got some things i'd like to get off my chest. this isn't a defense, this is just something i wanted to say because it feels better doing so.
i've heard all there is to say.
so, i used to make a huge deal about being straightedge. i was judgmental, i was ignorant; and it was hard for me to be anything beyond that because my real father was, and still is, an alcoholic, and i was too bent on my lifestyle to really accept anything other than living alcohol free. i never drank myself, so combined with my former family life, it was impossible for me to have an open mind about the subject. i didn't mind a little social drinking (in other people) but i did mind excess, which seems to be the American dream.
so comes Japan, and things change. i didn't get too drunk, i remembered everything the next day save a few conversations and nothing more, and i didn't regret a thing. didn't look too good, im sure, to others (so i've heard) but did i do anything out of the ordinary? isn't drinking commonplace for most teens? and it isn't even something i plan on doing anytime in the near future, especially with some of the cretins around here.
it was the 4th of july and i wanted a new life experience. it felt ideal.
i've never smoked weed, i've never been irresponsible, and i don't want to be. that's not my goal.
so i get criticized for it, of course.
we like to judge because it gives us a chance to feel as if we're right. people love to be right, and by drawing assumptions (especially negative ones) concerning other people, it reinforces that whole "i'm right, and i feel good about it!" idea. somehow what i did was below what most kids my age do on a weekly basis. i won't bitch because i get the concept: "you were so obsessed with your edge lifestyle and you threw it away in a heartbeat, you deserve no respect blahblahblah" bullshit. sure, i act on impulse sometimes. but certain things, such as drinking, i wouldn't do on impulse; its something that, especially considering my clean lifestyle in the past, i'd think through. i think too much at times. this was one of those decisions i made consciously.
but i felt like a normal kid for once. it was an interesting sensation, sipping sake with new friends.
it's only a big deal when the edge kid practices hypocrisy, right?
like sam said, "you were criticized for being straightedge, too."
so for the first time in my life, i didn't practice what i preached for so long.
it's called growing up. i'm 16 and working on that.
as for other things damaging my reputation at the moment, i'm just going to say that whatever happened in Asia was my problem. and i have no regrets because like i said, i'm growing up and molding this person i inevitably will become. whoever the hell that is.
i might as well admit, that if there's anything i knew i wouldn't be good at, it's maintaining a positive reputation. its something that's almost entirely up to my peers to decide for me; sure, the things i do play a part but its the way you people judge them that decides what label i'll have pinned to my forehead for the remainder of my high school career.
so i had the self righteous thing going for a while. and i was criticized for that.
and now that i'm fitting in, i'm criticized for that also.
i've passed the torch to you. the same guys who complained about me before are "self righteous" themselves.
bask in it while it lasts.

"Understimulated"

It's one of the status choices on myspace, and what the hey, it's a great way to describe how i feel right now. no excitement. sort of feeling a little bit of a creative rush but i'm too lazy to do anything about it.
went to the gym this morning (surely not my choice, but i don't mind it that much), and spent the day doing whatever and what not. didn't hang out with anyone and that's okay because i need time spent alone. it's a comfortable way to spend a monday, or any day i feel like it, really. no pressure.
i'm watching She & Him videos on youtube, downloading music (it's such a bad habit.)
zooey deschanel has such a lovely voice; an honest, old fashioned tone; very classic, a throwback to an era long ago.
my foot is falling asleep.
well, i'd like to say something that has some trace of worth in it, but so far, nothing.
i might write something. or something. i need to do something creative.
after all, i'm understimulated. remember?

Too early to function.

So i went to camelbeach yesterday, it was so much fun. except i went home barefoot (lost a shoe) and my legs are sore. but besides that, i was one of the top winners of a karaoke contest. so i got a free full day pass and a gift card for camelbeach, so, yeah. freakin' cool.
im going to the gym shortly. great fun! (oh the sarcasm is dripping.)
but i'm not totally dreading it. but no, i can't say i necessarily want to go. because im stuck there until my mom says we go. i wish i had a little more independence than that. maybe i should stop being so lazy about the driver permit thing.
well i'm off. going to listen to radiohead (these guys are lovely, and i don't know where i've been in relation to them all these years) and get ready for said gym.
lataaah gator

In Rainbows.

Listening to radiohead. can't see why i'm just discovering them now.
i want to do something exciting, something different than i normally do, but i can't really think of anything in particular.
so my legs are sore, and i have an 'appointment' with a trainer tomorrow. supposedly, he's a softspoken, smart, sort of quiet guy who isn't too hard on the exercisemongers at the gym. then again, that might be according to an exercisemonger's standards; he might just be a less than spontaneous bodybuilder who kicks children attached to tetherball poles as a typical cardio workout. i'm passin' no judgment! ;)
i'm kind of chilly right now. i would rather just be lying down in my bed with someone's arms around me. just their arms, because the rest of the body is sort of useless!
disregard that.
just for the sake of being close to someone.
ah whatever.
i borrowed some movies from em; 'casablanca', '10 things i hate about you', 'breakfast club' and 'goldeneye'. i've only seen goldeneye, played the game religiously, loved aforementioned game with a passion, still do.
i would actually like to sleep right now but i think i'm content enough to stick around.

Tired.

I should really get to bed.
so i verified my account on IMDB, which means now i can post and post and post some more. i'm a bit of a nerd in that respect, i spend much of the time i spend online on IMDB looking up movies and reading opinions and admiring/criticizing them. it's not what i would call fun, but it is something.
i have so many plans for this summer that i hope don't fall through. like driving to the QuickStop and spending the day at the beach with friends. or going to Philly to the zoo and to south street to browse some awesome secondhand shops. and hopefully seeing my new harrisburg friends from japan with emily.
this week should be okay. i really don't want to go camping with my rents (hell, i never do) but i am surely excited for the midnight showing of 'the dark knight'. so it balances out-ish.
im tired, but for some reason cant get off my arse to sleep. i hate having a laptop. it has raped my abilities to do anything worthwhile.
im working on some mix cds, and im getting a flash drive tomorrow that will hopefully assist me in the burning process. so that's something.
reminds me of high fidelity. good movie.
night

Goods.

I'm looking at Japan pictures and it's actually sort of unreal that i really went. it's so far away in reality that it doesn't even feel like a reality. which sucks, because this might speed up the forgetting process. i don't want to lose all those amazing times to a shitty memory and the trouble i'm having believing it happened.
blahhh.
i woke up at 2 today. i stayed up until 7 a.m. this morning. i'm not sure why, i just couldn't get to bed. too busy talking to people, too busy not wanting to sleep just yet. and then dawn came, and i sort of regretted it just for the fact that i hate when a good night turns into day.
brendan wants to take ballroom dancing classes. its something ive always wanted to do, but i'm scared i'll make a fool of myself because i'm so uncoordinated. my puppy would probably be better at it than i would.
before i went to bed this morning i was contemplating mixes and taking notes for eddy and jake. so i'm trying to figure out a burner that works on my pc, because all of them are fucked.
later.

Town lights and fireflies.

Bren and i were off to go bowling, or at least that was the plan. hit up the scumtastic west end lanes and bowl. instead, we decided on a whim, let's grab some burger king and then just drive in some direction followed by a few more random directions and end up someplace we didn't know.
and it was cool. we ended up about 45 minutes away from where we needed to be (it was getting late and i didn't need my mom bitching at me; we would've driven much further) and it was liberating. very freeing. i liked the feeling of the wind embracing my face from the open windows and the town lights passing. i saw open fields and the car's speed made the light from the fireflies look like brief lines of glowing light existent for a nanosecond and for once in a few days i was truly happy with where i was.
tonight was a good night. i hope brendan feels the same way.

I need some serious caffeine.

but then my sleep schedule will be even more fucked up.
i woke up at 4 p.m., and i watched some tv, then a movie; 'the other boleyn girl'.
i like that sort of history, it fascinates me. i tossed the idea around of being a historian in my brain for a little. then my rentals got home.
and i called up brendan to see if he wanted to go bowling, blew off the idea, but that's okay with me because i know this is all for the better.
someone hang out with meeeee!

After all, you're my wonderwall.

I feel like shit. im tired as hell and do not want to go anywhere really, except AC Moore with Emily so i can get my scrapbook things. i developed my pictures today and accidentally used the one hour photo kiosk, so brendan and i fell asleep in the back of his van in the CVS parking lot waiting for the photos to get ready. it felt nice. some of that feeling is owed to the fact that i care about him and he means the world to me. that we're close and i really do adore him. some of it was due to the fact my eyes needed to close. i am so tired. and i don't want to go to bed yet.

aftermath of mallness

so it was strange. some guy working at apple i swear is the kid, andrew, who resembled chris carabba, from the japan trip.
long line of americans waiting for the new iPhone.
i can't keep talking about my peers like strangers, sheesh!
red rimmed marc jacobs aviators look mad good on me, if i do say so myself.
and the buddy holly ray bans looked AMAZING also.
on another note, my tum tums hurts, and i think if i dont go anywhere and do anything i'll fall asleep on the couch with brendan here and i want to stay up. i'm so tired. i just don't want to let him down, he means too much. maybe he'll be up for something.

Weird reality.

so we're no longer dating. no longer counting down the days until our next anniversary (monthly, and yes, i know its lame.)
our myspaces still say that we're together because i don't need my mother bitching at me for this and that.
so to us, the reality hit us; we're single, we're apart, we're just friends, and no more than that.
but to everyone else, we're in a rocky relationship recovering (whoa, that's some alliteration) from the fuck ups that i'm responsible for.
i'm hungry as hell. i want to watch movies. i'm going to watch things new friends suggested to me. thanks to frengel, i'm going to watch the go getters if 48 hours has it. thanks to eddy, i'm going to watch paranoid park.
hopefully, at least.
i feel strange. i can't say if i feel much different. there's no epiphany here: 'oh, a burden has just been lifted!' or 'i can see so much more clearly now!'. there's just pensiveness. i'm thinking about a lot. mostly about today and perhaps a little of the near future. i can't help that fact.
i really shouldn't be in a relationship, with anyone. i cut myself off from the life i want to live while hurting other people in the process---i can't do that anymore.
being the best friend is where i need to be. this is who i need to be, because 'girlfriend' is a horrible title for me. it's so unfitting.
i'm content with where i'm at for now. i just need time to myself. i really don't feel like being around other people. so the whole mom's taking me to the mall thing today is going to be interesting.
i feel like i haven't been around americans in a really long while. at the chicago airport, the chaos of the american airport hit me like a sack of bricks. we're such impatient, bothersome, ignorant people. paranoid as hell, not willing to wait just a few more minutes. such a short temper. i'm almost ashamed but this is my nation so i can't really say any more. but i will say that being overseas has pointed out the many things i found wrong with the united states.
we are a young country, though, so hopefully with time we will solve our faults and fix our mistakes.
i'm not sure of what else to write. i'll write later.

Its too cold in here.

my sense is coming to me emotionally but physically, i feel as if my hands will fall off. its too cold in here. i won't talk about how much i miss japan, i promise.
im not sure what else to say. i just want to type.
i hate myself right now.
dsjdsak.dsda.sa////////

everything's different.

Who would have thought nine days in Japan would have changed everything? i felt like a different person; that i wasn't the girl trying sake for the first time, kissing someone, and betraying someone else in doing so. i felt as if i had lived there for months. that japan became my home away from home; in a sense, the place where i belong. i laughed so hard, i nearly cried leaving, and i felt empty the moment i woke up and realized i was in my own bed, not in some japanese hotel room. my body is functioning according to tokyo time and my brain is trying to distinguish between what was my reality overseas and what is my reality now. emily kept calling japan a dream. i kept exclaiming, "WE'RE IN JAPAN!". now instead, she says she's woken up, and i found myself saying to someone else, "we're not in japan anymore."
where am i? surely not anyplace near the beautiful country where i need to be. i dont see or feel the japanese sun, or the moon, pouring through my windows. i'm nowhere near the big, gorgeous world where i can't understand, in the slightest bit, what the people around me are saying. and despite the barrier that two different languages facing each other constructs; i didn't feel like a stranger. i did in the beginning, but as the days wore on i felt at home. life is perfect thousands of miles away. a heaven on earth, that is japan. call me overdramatic. but you'll never know until you've seen, felt, tasted, and loved japan the way i do.