FUCKKK

So this is going to be really depressing. well, at least i think, theoretically, it would be, considering the subject matter. it's undeniably emo and if you hate that stuff, you should really stop reading. i just want to write this someplace, and it's not for pity value. in fact, id write this in my journal but im too lazy to pick up a pen.
so i've realized i have terrible self esteem. i let people get me down constantly. i tell myself i dont care what people think; and to a degree, that's true, but basically it's only true when it comes down to the way i look---i think i try to compensate for my shitty attitude about life in my appearance; i want to dress nice because i like clothes and want people to like me, and think i look nice too. i know this is just a long, run on sentence with no meaning, but i need to get this bullshit out, even if i suck at constructing sentences with substance in the meanwhile.
take me at face value: what do you see? i'm dying to know. i wonder if i have some sort of issue. or if this is all typical teen angst---it probably is. no one at this age, by definition, is supposed to know who they are or what they stand for. we think we do. but we have no fucking clue.
i don't know if this is the PMS talking or what.
i am one fucking confused person. i want to make friends. i want to learn how to play guitar (my stepdad has been so tired lately from work there's no time, and i dont want to bother him). i don't want to be told "why can't you be NORMAL?"
that fucking word, 'normal'. it bothers me. it irks me. to be typical. to fit into some plastic mold that would probably melt in the microwave anyway. i don't know why i'd ever want to fit in. but i find myself wanting to. i drank for the first time, mostly for me, mostly for the experience. but i thought, maybe i would feel a little more normal in doing so---wouldn't i just be like any other kid?
i know what you're thinking: "who the fuck is this over emotional, flip flop?"
well you're the person who should've stopped reading, like, 5 paragraphs ago.
told you so.
i expected that this blog would come off as lame. and that's because it is. because it's me ranting about shit most people i guess would rather just brush off and ignore. but i can't. i want to be confident about something more than just the way i look. i mean, come on, i played the blonde bombshell in the school musical---and i felt SO GREAT onstage. why can't i have that same self esteem every day? well... it's not that i cant. its that i'm not letting it out. and i should. i need to. i need to love myself.
but i wont be caught dead with a self help book. fuck that.
i'll do my best.

Turning over a new leaf!

Time to stop being the good ol' procrastinator named sasha.
time to start being the good, er, new, action-ator named sasha.
i'm sick of complaining about not being able to play guitar. so i'll learn how.
i'm sick of complaining about not being hit with inspiration. so i'll seek it.
i'm sick of being a slave to the interweb. so i'll smack it in the face and do something productive.

i've got too much creativity just aching to be cultivated to just let it sit and rot away.
so i'm off.

Warped Tour.

So i technically have a free ticket somewhere in the works, supposedly, but the guy could just flake out on mailing it. or maybe he doesn't have any stamps! i worry too much, ha. i just want to go so badly, and i will go, one way or another. so the music isn't the greatest in the world, and it isn't typically what i'd listen to, but i go for the entire vibe of warped tour: this crazy community of kids coming together (whoa, that's some alliteration!) and throwing each other around (oh how i love ze crowd surfing, my welfare left at the will of complete strangers!). i dig that shit.
and there are a few bands i am certainly looking to see, of course, although a lot of the bands playing sound the same. say anything, anberlin, katy perry, horrorpops, some other shiznit.
it's a fun ass day and i can't effing wait. it's going to rock.

It's not a disclaimer.

I've been listening to all sorts of things today: music, people, barking.
And i've got some things i'd like to get off my chest. this isn't a defense, this is just something i wanted to say because it feels better doing so.
i've heard all there is to say.
so, i used to make a huge deal about being straightedge. i was judgmental, i was ignorant; and it was hard for me to be anything beyond that because my real father was, and still is, an alcoholic, and i was too bent on my lifestyle to really accept anything other than living alcohol free. i never drank myself, so combined with my former family life, it was impossible for me to have an open mind about the subject. i didn't mind a little social drinking (in other people) but i did mind excess, which seems to be the American dream.
so comes Japan, and things change. i didn't get too drunk, i remembered everything the next day save a few conversations and nothing more, and i didn't regret a thing. didn't look too good, im sure, to others (so i've heard) but did i do anything out of the ordinary? isn't drinking commonplace for most teens? and it isn't even something i plan on doing anytime in the near future, especially with some of the cretins around here.
it was the 4th of july and i wanted a new life experience. it felt ideal.
i've never smoked weed, i've never been irresponsible, and i don't want to be. that's not my goal.
so i get criticized for it, of course.
we like to judge because it gives us a chance to feel as if we're right. people love to be right, and by drawing assumptions (especially negative ones) concerning other people, it reinforces that whole "i'm right, and i feel good about it!" idea. somehow what i did was below what most kids my age do on a weekly basis. i won't bitch because i get the concept: "you were so obsessed with your edge lifestyle and you threw it away in a heartbeat, you deserve no respect blahblahblah" bullshit. sure, i act on impulse sometimes. but certain things, such as drinking, i wouldn't do on impulse; its something that, especially considering my clean lifestyle in the past, i'd think through. i think too much at times. this was one of those decisions i made consciously.
but i felt like a normal kid for once. it was an interesting sensation, sipping sake with new friends.
it's only a big deal when the edge kid practices hypocrisy, right?
like sam said, "you were criticized for being straightedge, too."
so for the first time in my life, i didn't practice what i preached for so long.
it's called growing up. i'm 16 and working on that.
as for other things damaging my reputation at the moment, i'm just going to say that whatever happened in Asia was my problem. and i have no regrets because like i said, i'm growing up and molding this person i inevitably will become. whoever the hell that is.
i might as well admit, that if there's anything i knew i wouldn't be good at, it's maintaining a positive reputation. its something that's almost entirely up to my peers to decide for me; sure, the things i do play a part but its the way you people judge them that decides what label i'll have pinned to my forehead for the remainder of my high school career.
so i had the self righteous thing going for a while. and i was criticized for that.
and now that i'm fitting in, i'm criticized for that also.
i've passed the torch to you. the same guys who complained about me before are "self righteous" themselves.
bask in it while it lasts.

"Understimulated"

It's one of the status choices on myspace, and what the hey, it's a great way to describe how i feel right now. no excitement. sort of feeling a little bit of a creative rush but i'm too lazy to do anything about it.
went to the gym this morning (surely not my choice, but i don't mind it that much), and spent the day doing whatever and what not. didn't hang out with anyone and that's okay because i need time spent alone. it's a comfortable way to spend a monday, or any day i feel like it, really. no pressure.
i'm watching She & Him videos on youtube, downloading music (it's such a bad habit.)
zooey deschanel has such a lovely voice; an honest, old fashioned tone; very classic, a throwback to an era long ago.
my foot is falling asleep.
well, i'd like to say something that has some trace of worth in it, but so far, nothing.
i might write something. or something. i need to do something creative.
after all, i'm understimulated. remember?

Too early to function.

So i went to camelbeach yesterday, it was so much fun. except i went home barefoot (lost a shoe) and my legs are sore. but besides that, i was one of the top winners of a karaoke contest. so i got a free full day pass and a gift card for camelbeach, so, yeah. freakin' cool.
im going to the gym shortly. great fun! (oh the sarcasm is dripping.)
but i'm not totally dreading it. but no, i can't say i necessarily want to go. because im stuck there until my mom says we go. i wish i had a little more independence than that. maybe i should stop being so lazy about the driver permit thing.
well i'm off. going to listen to radiohead (these guys are lovely, and i don't know where i've been in relation to them all these years) and get ready for said gym.
lataaah gator

In Rainbows.

Listening to radiohead. can't see why i'm just discovering them now.
i want to do something exciting, something different than i normally do, but i can't really think of anything in particular.
so my legs are sore, and i have an 'appointment' with a trainer tomorrow. supposedly, he's a softspoken, smart, sort of quiet guy who isn't too hard on the exercisemongers at the gym. then again, that might be according to an exercisemonger's standards; he might just be a less than spontaneous bodybuilder who kicks children attached to tetherball poles as a typical cardio workout. i'm passin' no judgment! ;)
i'm kind of chilly right now. i would rather just be lying down in my bed with someone's arms around me. just their arms, because the rest of the body is sort of useless!
disregard that.
just for the sake of being close to someone.
ah whatever.
i borrowed some movies from em; 'casablanca', '10 things i hate about you', 'breakfast club' and 'goldeneye'. i've only seen goldeneye, played the game religiously, loved aforementioned game with a passion, still do.
i would actually like to sleep right now but i think i'm content enough to stick around.

Tired.

I should really get to bed.
so i verified my account on IMDB, which means now i can post and post and post some more. i'm a bit of a nerd in that respect, i spend much of the time i spend online on IMDB looking up movies and reading opinions and admiring/criticizing them. it's not what i would call fun, but it is something.
i have so many plans for this summer that i hope don't fall through. like driving to the QuickStop and spending the day at the beach with friends. or going to Philly to the zoo and to south street to browse some awesome secondhand shops. and hopefully seeing my new harrisburg friends from japan with emily.
this week should be okay. i really don't want to go camping with my rents (hell, i never do) but i am surely excited for the midnight showing of 'the dark knight'. so it balances out-ish.
im tired, but for some reason cant get off my arse to sleep. i hate having a laptop. it has raped my abilities to do anything worthwhile.
im working on some mix cds, and im getting a flash drive tomorrow that will hopefully assist me in the burning process. so that's something.
reminds me of high fidelity. good movie.
night

Goods.

I'm looking at Japan pictures and it's actually sort of unreal that i really went. it's so far away in reality that it doesn't even feel like a reality. which sucks, because this might speed up the forgetting process. i don't want to lose all those amazing times to a shitty memory and the trouble i'm having believing it happened.
blahhh.
i woke up at 2 today. i stayed up until 7 a.m. this morning. i'm not sure why, i just couldn't get to bed. too busy talking to people, too busy not wanting to sleep just yet. and then dawn came, and i sort of regretted it just for the fact that i hate when a good night turns into day.
brendan wants to take ballroom dancing classes. its something ive always wanted to do, but i'm scared i'll make a fool of myself because i'm so uncoordinated. my puppy would probably be better at it than i would.
before i went to bed this morning i was contemplating mixes and taking notes for eddy and jake. so i'm trying to figure out a burner that works on my pc, because all of them are fucked.
later.

Town lights and fireflies.

Bren and i were off to go bowling, or at least that was the plan. hit up the scumtastic west end lanes and bowl. instead, we decided on a whim, let's grab some burger king and then just drive in some direction followed by a few more random directions and end up someplace we didn't know.
and it was cool. we ended up about 45 minutes away from where we needed to be (it was getting late and i didn't need my mom bitching at me; we would've driven much further) and it was liberating. very freeing. i liked the feeling of the wind embracing my face from the open windows and the town lights passing. i saw open fields and the car's speed made the light from the fireflies look like brief lines of glowing light existent for a nanosecond and for once in a few days i was truly happy with where i was.
tonight was a good night. i hope brendan feels the same way.

I need some serious caffeine.

but then my sleep schedule will be even more fucked up.
i woke up at 4 p.m., and i watched some tv, then a movie; 'the other boleyn girl'.
i like that sort of history, it fascinates me. i tossed the idea around of being a historian in my brain for a little. then my rentals got home.
and i called up brendan to see if he wanted to go bowling, blew off the idea, but that's okay with me because i know this is all for the better.
someone hang out with meeeee!

After all, you're my wonderwall.

I feel like shit. im tired as hell and do not want to go anywhere really, except AC Moore with Emily so i can get my scrapbook things. i developed my pictures today and accidentally used the one hour photo kiosk, so brendan and i fell asleep in the back of his van in the CVS parking lot waiting for the photos to get ready. it felt nice. some of that feeling is owed to the fact that i care about him and he means the world to me. that we're close and i really do adore him. some of it was due to the fact my eyes needed to close. i am so tired. and i don't want to go to bed yet.

aftermath of mallness

so it was strange. some guy working at apple i swear is the kid, andrew, who resembled chris carabba, from the japan trip.
long line of americans waiting for the new iPhone.
i can't keep talking about my peers like strangers, sheesh!
red rimmed marc jacobs aviators look mad good on me, if i do say so myself.
and the buddy holly ray bans looked AMAZING also.
on another note, my tum tums hurts, and i think if i dont go anywhere and do anything i'll fall asleep on the couch with brendan here and i want to stay up. i'm so tired. i just don't want to let him down, he means too much. maybe he'll be up for something.

Weird reality.

so we're no longer dating. no longer counting down the days until our next anniversary (monthly, and yes, i know its lame.)
our myspaces still say that we're together because i don't need my mother bitching at me for this and that.
so to us, the reality hit us; we're single, we're apart, we're just friends, and no more than that.
but to everyone else, we're in a rocky relationship recovering (whoa, that's some alliteration) from the fuck ups that i'm responsible for.
i'm hungry as hell. i want to watch movies. i'm going to watch things new friends suggested to me. thanks to frengel, i'm going to watch the go getters if 48 hours has it. thanks to eddy, i'm going to watch paranoid park.
hopefully, at least.
i feel strange. i can't say if i feel much different. there's no epiphany here: 'oh, a burden has just been lifted!' or 'i can see so much more clearly now!'. there's just pensiveness. i'm thinking about a lot. mostly about today and perhaps a little of the near future. i can't help that fact.
i really shouldn't be in a relationship, with anyone. i cut myself off from the life i want to live while hurting other people in the process---i can't do that anymore.
being the best friend is where i need to be. this is who i need to be, because 'girlfriend' is a horrible title for me. it's so unfitting.
i'm content with where i'm at for now. i just need time to myself. i really don't feel like being around other people. so the whole mom's taking me to the mall thing today is going to be interesting.
i feel like i haven't been around americans in a really long while. at the chicago airport, the chaos of the american airport hit me like a sack of bricks. we're such impatient, bothersome, ignorant people. paranoid as hell, not willing to wait just a few more minutes. such a short temper. i'm almost ashamed but this is my nation so i can't really say any more. but i will say that being overseas has pointed out the many things i found wrong with the united states.
we are a young country, though, so hopefully with time we will solve our faults and fix our mistakes.
i'm not sure of what else to write. i'll write later.

Its too cold in here.

my sense is coming to me emotionally but physically, i feel as if my hands will fall off. its too cold in here. i won't talk about how much i miss japan, i promise.
im not sure what else to say. i just want to type.
i hate myself right now.
dsjdsak.dsda.sa////////

everything's different.

Who would have thought nine days in Japan would have changed everything? i felt like a different person; that i wasn't the girl trying sake for the first time, kissing someone, and betraying someone else in doing so. i felt as if i had lived there for months. that japan became my home away from home; in a sense, the place where i belong. i laughed so hard, i nearly cried leaving, and i felt empty the moment i woke up and realized i was in my own bed, not in some japanese hotel room. my body is functioning according to tokyo time and my brain is trying to distinguish between what was my reality overseas and what is my reality now. emily kept calling japan a dream. i kept exclaiming, "WE'RE IN JAPAN!". now instead, she says she's woken up, and i found myself saying to someone else, "we're not in japan anymore."
where am i? surely not anyplace near the beautiful country where i need to be. i dont see or feel the japanese sun, or the moon, pouring through my windows. i'm nowhere near the big, gorgeous world where i can't understand, in the slightest bit, what the people around me are saying. and despite the barrier that two different languages facing each other constructs; i didn't feel like a stranger. i did in the beginning, but as the days wore on i felt at home. life is perfect thousands of miles away. a heaven on earth, that is japan. call me overdramatic. but you'll never know until you've seen, felt, tasted, and loved japan the way i do.