oh hey

God bless the Germans.


Oh lord.

lucky you

Every time you get a drink
And every time you go to asleep
Are those dreams inside you head
Is there sunlight on your bed
And every time you're driving home
Way outside your safety zone
Wherever you will ever be
You're never getting rid of me

You own me
There's nothing you can do
You own me

You coulda made a safer bet
But what you break is what you get
You wake up in the bed you make
I think you made a big mistake

You own me
There's nothing you can do
You own me
You own me
Lucky you

You own me
There's nothing you can do

You clean yourself to meet
The man who isn't me
You're putting on a shirt
A shirt i'll never see
The letter's in your coat
But no one's in your head
Cause you're too smart to remember
You're too smart
Lucky you

I fucking hate people

not too toot my own horn, but here we go:
i garner attention from males at times.
and the lack of tact coming from these people is REMARKABLE.
i hate how a conversation that begins with a friendly "hey what's up?" quickly changes into one asking for a dinner date acting like we've known each other for years (this male in question also happens to have a girlfriend? honorable, right?).
i hate how a conversation that begins with "you're from california, right?" makes the transition into "hello cutest girl in the world!" I told him I liked women.
it didn't make much of a dent in his ridiculous forwardness.
and i REALLY hate how a conversation that begins with "how's the boy?" VERY SWIFTLY turns to, "then i can finally take you out to dinner like i've been asking for all this time!"
believe me, i recognize how arrogant this all sounds.
and i know how some of you (if anybody reads this black hole of a blog) are scoffing, "well what kind of bitch doesn't appreciate that?"
it's that i appreciate kids with RESPECT.
respect for their girlfriends (when applicable), for their friends, oh, and for people they just started talking to.
it's just, when i say i want a friend, i want a friend. just a friend.
i don't want a fucking boyfriend. i don't want a fuck buddy, i don't want any of that bullshit.
i just want folks i can just call up and hang out with, without any weird tension.
but that's too fucking difficult to ask for, right?

uuuuughhh!!!

i really miss what really did exist

i can remember the first time that you came to pick me up for our first date or whatever and holy fuck it's hard to think of you without tearing up.

god why is this so difficult

asdlk

I think it's the most inspired thing I've ever written but I can't even look at it. Probably for that reason. I'll hand it to my writer friends and see what they have to say. And I'll probably publish it anonymously in my webzine for the first issue. But I won't read it over again. It's weird.

I wish it were a simple injury---so simple that you might look down at the injury and tell me my problems were to heal on their own. And you'd mean it. And you'd hold me for a second (because it would never be much more than that, and I had always known so much) and it would comfort me and you would send me to sleep and advise me to dream with the angels. Dream with all the angels in that bright blue infinite painted with pearl clouds sky where they live. That same sky in which I have replaced wonder with doubt. I'd walk down the hall and I'd do as you say and the next day would be a brand new day, after I lay me to rest. A temporary but beautiful rest. A rest of forgetfulness. A rest of passing, of peace, that I could always turn to. 'Stead of this pain.

Oh, fever dream, I feel ill.

Driver, surprise me.

Summer's here. School is out. And with this new beginning of sorts, we must abandon the old. Out with that old pain. In with something new. Something better. Anything would be an improvement.


I need to block you from my brain. I need to stop periodically facebook searching your name just to look at the 250 pixel by 250 pixel thumbnail of you. I know how pathetic it sounds; because it is. I need to stop hurting. And I haven't.

I'm terrified of running into you in public. Or seeing you. I don't want to see you. I don't think I could.

Today I realized something very important. I've decided that the day I forget what it was like to be held by you, touched by you, kissed, and cared for by you will be the day I forget you. And the day I forget that feeling will be the day I can at last move on completely.

Until then, I do what I can to cloud the memory. To replace that feeling with something else... something with far less substance but something nonetheless and it's absolutely all that I have.

I sold the shirts you gave me at a secondhand shop---even the NOFX one I wore so much because it reminded me of you the most. As for the hoodie you borrowed once, I don't wear it. I deleted your mix from my list of playlists and changed the album names from that mix so that I would never see your name---although to be honest I wouldn't dare play those songs anyway.

How stupid it is. Isn't it trivial? It's simple to say so---I mean, I am being completely naive right now anyway. I sound like an angsty, sad-as-balls, stalker ex-girlfriend.

When really I'm just heartbroken and I'm fixing it the best I can. For me. Because I can't deal with this any fucking more.

"The months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take."

Night

Going to hit the sack so I can continue reading a book of plays I was lent. Stone Cold Dead Serious is the name of the compilation as well as the first play in the book, and they're all by Adam Rapp, brother to Anthony Rapp of Rent fame.

I want to relax. I took a nice nap today, but it's not enough.
Yoga tomorrow.

There's this small part of me that kind of wants to start exercising. Like, if I have nothing to do, I'll go on the elliptical downstairs. It may not seem like fun. And it most certainly will not be. But it's something, right?

Or at least I'll ride my bike, a lot.

anyways. night.