i don't want to be here

I think that it's a really bad sign when you stand up in front of a crowd doing your bows and you feel absolutely completely numb.
So it's either theater is getting boring or I'm getting to be seriously depressed.



And judging by the likes of the rest of my life I don't think it's that theater is giving me a problem

*sigh*

it went well today. much better than i had expected... because i didn't want to get disappointed so i expected the very worst.
and i wondered, could this mean something?
and then i realize, shit, i've got a musical this weekend; i'm sick and i'm not focused. i need to get my shit together and my brain where it needs to be in order to pull this off.


no use in petty dreaming. not right now... i'll keep my hopes in my heart but this weekend i need to work and i'm petrified.

all i need is

you

i;m going to

write up a list of priorities


in the coming weeks where i will have nothing to do...

1. i want to finally start learning how to play guitar
2. i will exercise
3. i will eat better and less
4. focus on my schoolwork
5. have more of a social life
6. try to knit?
7. write. perhaps write a short story? just keep writing



i need to keep my brain occupied to help dull the ache.

dsajksdajkls

i will not let this kill me
i will not let this kill me
i will not let this kill me
i will be okay, i will continue living, if he can, then i can
i was honest, i came clean, i said what needed to be said and while that is not to say that i did not fuck up, it does say something.
i will not let this kill me.



here's to more nights like last night where i can forget what he looks like
here's to more nights like last night where i can forget who i am
here's to more nights like last night where i can forget the past mistakes i've made and make room for something beautiful.



i will not let this kill me.

trying to keep it all together

i had the most terrible dream last night; that he missed me. but the part that was terrible was waking up and realizing that it wasn't real.
but i am doing everything in my power to keep it together. i don't listen to songs that force me to think of him. i did a few times these last few days and i do not want to feel that kind of pain, i really don't.
so while most things remind me of him, i try to turn my mind away.
i've got to keep swimming.

hanging by a string

i can't make this any less cliche than it's going to sound but i feel as if writing something might help so that i can vent but all in all i find that i must continue breathing and continue living nevertheless

although to be completely frank i can't see myself wanting to do either one of those things as of late. i feel myself falling apart completely and hating myself.

i dont think im mentally up for performing on saturday but my hopes are that if i can keep it all together it'll be good for me. maybe i'll get a good amount of applause and how cool would it be if i won? i'm not expecting it... but for a brief moment it's almost a glimmer of hope for just learning how to function again

i need to learn how to function again. to function without him. to function knowing that there is no chance of reunion, no chance of making anything back to the way that it was.
god for the first fucking time in my short life i have realized more than ever a lesson that i will never, ever forget.
i just want to fall asleep and never wake up. at least not for a long time

fddsdfsfsd

what is there to fucking do
i hate myself so fucking much
i mess this up, there's nothing i can do

doing one's thang :D

eating a slice of pizza, uploading my first singage/peter playing guitarage video to youtube (hopefully people aren't too mean, i know it isn't that great!), feeling mucho mejor compared to last night (fuck, not doing that again anytime, ever). i had a really good day with peter.
he really is this fucking incredible guy. he makes me laugh so much. hell, he mooned me when we were riding bikes today. who does that?! it was almost charming (almost being the operative word). when he holds me it feels SO right. like there isn't a single thing in the world that could go wrong because i'm with him. i feel safe, i feel wonderful, i feel for the very first time in a long time that every little piece has fallen into place. of course, not without obstacles, but they've fallen into place nonetheless. i am so, so, so, so happy.
how in the gosh durn heck did i score someone like him??! he's so great! he respects me and treats me right and makes me giggle and i absolutely love it when he gets worked up about something, anything... he scares the shit out of me when we're driving sometimes because he'll take his hands off the wheel and proceed to drive with his knees. and somehow, it's okay with me because it's him.
there isn't a soul in the world that makes me feel the way that he does. <3

If only, if only.

I would've stayed up all night with Emily and a bottle of sake instead.

Cold Girl Fever

I am completely and utterly beat. My eyelids feel heavy, and when I blink my eyes feel more at home---because they're closed. Thing is, I still have this ridiculous DNA doodling homework. Or something (it makes ZERO sense to me), and some math... and regardless of how I feel right now (and I feel as if my body cannot function) I know for sure that I'm not going to fall asleep at a decent hour. I know how it goes: I'll sit here doing nothing for another hour. I'll take a shower. I'll sit here some more. I might touch my homework (or I might just do nothing for a while longer and do my homework tomorrow morning at school). I may sit by the phone, wishing for a phone call. But I can't expect it. I can't expect anything much; but I can be sure that come tomorrow, I will be paralyzed with exhaustion. And it sucks. Major ass.
I have such bad habits. I need to break them.
Oh my goooooooooooooodneeeessssssssss I need sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


hopefully I'll actually do something about it this time?

mistaken for strangers

oh you wouldn't want an angel watching over
surprise, surprise they wouldn't wanna watch
another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults