Self-Preservation

This evening I will:

• work on some mix cds for my friends.
• read
• write
  
• detach myself from this stupid thing because i'm sick of being like the kind of people i hate, I.E. "Look at meeeee!" on Twitter.

I'm re-examining my self-worth realizing that there is so much more there I need to cultivate.
Good night.

the resolution?

I've got to get my shit in perspective and keep it there. I need to go with wherever the wind takes me. To wait around is to guarantee myself nothing but more hurt, and I'm not going to do that to myself.

I know nothing is finite, but from here on out I want to work on being okay.


Is that okay?

10:58

I'm not living, I'm just killing time.

About Today

so May 29th is over a month away and I am so unbelievably anxious for that day to come that it's killing me. i get to skip school that day (mama's letting me :D) with friends to go to philly, to see The National at the electric factory (my favorite band, mind you!). so i'm pretty sure, under the assumption that i will not be mugged and/or hit with a public bus, there is absolutely nothing that could taint that day's inherent awesomeness, i tell you. it's bound to be the day that makes my year and the more i think about it (which keeps happening) the more eager i become and it's driving me off the wall with excitement.
at any rate, to get off that subject before i go absolutely insane, friday is finally coming along tomorrow and i am so ready for this school week to be over. as far as i know, i'll be going to the mall with my mother on saturday (fringe sandals? new bra? aiii??!), and tomorrow after school i'm hanging out with mike. not sure what we're going to be doing. probably eat Chinese (we always do), maybe watch a movie... i hear through the grapevine, though, that it's to be a beautiful day and i think we should take advantage of such pleasant weather and go someplace. i couldn't tell you where, to be honest, but someplace nice. doesn't have to be far. doesn't have to be special, or fancy. just someplace where i can watch the sky or feel the breeze and not want to go inside.
i think i'm going to make it a point to have an amazing friday.
so, to anybody wasting their time reading this, happy friday. even if it's only thursday.

sajkdsalkjdlka

i don't know what to say? my school week has been lasting way too long.
please let this weekend be okay.

What, me worry?

So I discovered Annie Clark, this wonderful musician who goes by the name of St. Vincent. She's truly lovely... that classically beautiful voice, her writing, everything so far is just lovely!
My iPod died the other day. It was terrible. But Bobster fixed it, and thus far we believe that its life will be prolonged! A little bit, at least, and I've got my fingers crossed.
I'm pretty tired. I went to Perkins after the mock show (which went ridiculously well! my voice died a little at the end of I Kissed a Girl but who the fuck cares? ha) with a few people, listened to a boring-as-balls, hour long conversation concerning prom (I guess I'm just not interested?), ate half a sandwich and some mini-chimis which just might be the best appetizer ever.
I was bummed out on the way home though, because as tired as I was, it sucks to have to go home, you know? I don't do much so for my mom to let me go out to eat so late was really kind of a big deal for me. I like that kind of freedom.
At any rate, by the time I got home it was about 12:30 a.m. and I wasn't feeling too well. My tummy was kind of hurting a bit, but the stars were so beautiful and I didn't want to go upstairs and sleep just yet. So we walked around my driveway and watched the stars and had conversations and although it all didn't last longer than 45 minutes, I'd imagine, it was really lovely. We sat on the concrete bench on my patio and talked about anything we thought to say.
I don't have nights like that, where my rents are asleep and I'm just going off of how I feel. I know how lame that is to say, but really, it means something.
I just don't have nights like these. But it made coming home okay.

Break was good

really good.

I'm hoping these new plans will actually be something I can look forward to. For once.

...instead of hope for and have said hopes crushed in the process of waiting for said plans to come true.


*sigh*

easter

I'm feeling alright. I'm going to have a good day. I need to shower and then I'm gonna watch Casablanca.

Not doing anything for Easter specifically (we're all heathens here), but that's okay with me.

it's too late for me to still be functioning.

I've got a long way to go


getting further away











sleep NOW

another wonderful day :D

i went shopping with my mum today, we got along famously and i got a few nice things!
i got a really pretty dress and a bathing suit, all cheaply :D i like sales.

i wanted to get some plastic beads to make rainbow pride bracelets to give out for free at the prizm prom too but i didnt find what i needed :( anyone willing to take me to A.C. Moore on 611 sometime soon?

anyway. i'm feeling really good right now.
i refuse to be brought down.

I'm glad

to find that there is a silver lining after all. I'm doing the little things I've always wanted to do but put them off because of other "priorities" and overall feel as if I have a little more control over myself and my life. It's kinda nice. I plan on writing a little tonight... I've got all these ideas scattered throughout my days that I think I should finally write down (something I've always procrastinated with to the point where it's unreasonable to even try recalling these same ideas).
I had a really nice time at yoga tonight, too.
I'm reading a lot more than usual, too, which I adore. I just finished The Rum Diary and now I'm reading Tristessa, my first piece by Kerouac (I figured I had to experience him someday) and it is indeed beautiful.
I hope to see and learn new things tomorrow.
Say no to the things that will damage me, accept the things that will cultivate me.
I'm learning how to live with myself a little more comfortably. Er, working on it.

fuck it

i hate girls with no decency and i hate guys with no respect. but mostly i hate you scene fuckers.


hipsters included



...dicks

what i need

to focus my energies elsewhere, i can't live each day feeling this way.

just, no

i'm listening to joy division, its a sunday night, i should be showering but i have way too fucking much on my mind to get off my ass so i'll write about it instead.
i have no fucking integrity, or willpower, or self respect by any stretch of the word and i don't know what to do with myself anymore, it's just pathetic. i dont know how to deal with anything anymore.
god and there's just so much pent up frustration and anger with myself and i trust so few people it kills me to admit it. and fuck, what does someone like me do in a situation like this? surround oneself with "positive energy?" listen to radio disney? what the fuck, man? see my guidance counselor?

you can feed me all that bullshit, you can suggest a therapist, but what i really would like is a bottle of rum and a shoulder to cry on. let me deal with what's leftover in the morning, let me deal with the mess when the aftermath comes knocking at my door, just let me forget everything for the time being and ill be okay. or, let things go back to the way they were.
but that isn't the viable option so i'll stick with what i can get and waste away until then

a lack of color

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years

and by the way

the saturday and sunday performances made all the difference... i felt such a rush on those two evenings. so i guess i'm not clinically depressed or growing tired of my passions after all :D

what a reason to celebrate



p.s. i think i'm going to try this newfangled thing called integrity with a dash of self-preservation
sound good? thought so. let's see how well i do.

update

i'm attempting to catch up on months worth of lost sleep. it feels kind of nice to just be able to nap upon home arrival and i don't have anything important to do. it's fucking fantastic to know that i can finally place sleep at the top of my to do list. other priorities include school related things, and occupying my weekends with good times and giving the beagle lots of belly rubs.
and tomorrow it looks as though i'm going to be eating some rainbow buffet which, frankly, makes my immediate future seem that much brighter.
this is not to say everything is fine and dandy, because there are too many moments to count where i can't avoid the thought of him and the ache that comes with missing him but i've just got to keep swimming, so to speak.
at any rate, things are okay lately. they're better. then again, very few things are worse than the way things have been in the not so distant past. so i'm thankful. it's the best i can do for now and i'm okay with that