just, no

i'm listening to joy division, its a sunday night, i should be showering but i have way too fucking much on my mind to get off my ass so i'll write about it instead.
i have no fucking integrity, or willpower, or self respect by any stretch of the word and i don't know what to do with myself anymore, it's just pathetic. i dont know how to deal with anything anymore.
god and there's just so much pent up frustration and anger with myself and i trust so few people it kills me to admit it. and fuck, what does someone like me do in a situation like this? surround oneself with "positive energy?" listen to radio disney? what the fuck, man? see my guidance counselor?

you can feed me all that bullshit, you can suggest a therapist, but what i really would like is a bottle of rum and a shoulder to cry on. let me deal with what's leftover in the morning, let me deal with the mess when the aftermath comes knocking at my door, just let me forget everything for the time being and ill be okay. or, let things go back to the way they were.
but that isn't the viable option so i'll stick with what i can get and waste away until then