FUCKKK

So this is going to be really depressing. well, at least i think, theoretically, it would be, considering the subject matter. it's undeniably emo and if you hate that stuff, you should really stop reading. i just want to write this someplace, and it's not for pity value. in fact, id write this in my journal but im too lazy to pick up a pen.
so i've realized i have terrible self esteem. i let people get me down constantly. i tell myself i dont care what people think; and to a degree, that's true, but basically it's only true when it comes down to the way i look---i think i try to compensate for my shitty attitude about life in my appearance; i want to dress nice because i like clothes and want people to like me, and think i look nice too. i know this is just a long, run on sentence with no meaning, but i need to get this bullshit out, even if i suck at constructing sentences with substance in the meanwhile.
take me at face value: what do you see? i'm dying to know. i wonder if i have some sort of issue. or if this is all typical teen angst---it probably is. no one at this age, by definition, is supposed to know who they are or what they stand for. we think we do. but we have no fucking clue.
i don't know if this is the PMS talking or what.
i am one fucking confused person. i want to make friends. i want to learn how to play guitar (my stepdad has been so tired lately from work there's no time, and i dont want to bother him). i don't want to be told "why can't you be NORMAL?"
that fucking word, 'normal'. it bothers me. it irks me. to be typical. to fit into some plastic mold that would probably melt in the microwave anyway. i don't know why i'd ever want to fit in. but i find myself wanting to. i drank for the first time, mostly for me, mostly for the experience. but i thought, maybe i would feel a little more normal in doing so---wouldn't i just be like any other kid?
i know what you're thinking: "who the fuck is this over emotional, flip flop?"
well you're the person who should've stopped reading, like, 5 paragraphs ago.
told you so.
i expected that this blog would come off as lame. and that's because it is. because it's me ranting about shit most people i guess would rather just brush off and ignore. but i can't. i want to be confident about something more than just the way i look. i mean, come on, i played the blonde bombshell in the school musical---and i felt SO GREAT onstage. why can't i have that same self esteem every day? well... it's not that i cant. its that i'm not letting it out. and i should. i need to. i need to love myself.
but i wont be caught dead with a self help book. fuck that.
i'll do my best.