ashamed of myself, i sit here thinking of where to go next. i understand that there is only one answer and that is forward, as difficult as it is. i find myself blaming you for the problems i have now; this attention-seeking whore with her stupid fucking push up bra, i blame YOU for this. i've lived off of impulse. i never thought before i leaped. i want to say i hate you for it but i won't, because i can't. i don't blame you completely, because i am responsible for my actions. but did you make life any more productive for me? no. did you make life any easier? no. and now, with a repulsive reputation i find myself aching for some sort of closure so i can put that shit behind me and move on.
i wonder if you have regrets. i wonder if in the midst of your alcoholic haze you ever think of your kids. your son in college, your daughter in high school. your son getting good grades in college and your daughter with a lead role in the school play. your son caught underage drinking, your daughter with her demons, her issues, the problems you left with us. it runs in the family, you know.
but i can't hate you. i can dislike you, i can resent you for all you've done but i can't hate you and i can't not think about you because you're someone who once felt something and showed it. you're only human. i tell myself you're only human. i wonder if that's even the right thing to say.
thanks, though. for everything you've ever done (and denied) to us.
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